How to Stop Trying to Control People
These are notes on the iNLP Center relationship detangler webinar for people searching for how to let go of control in relationships.
Being controlling in relationships takes many forms. The bottom line is: your emotions are so wrapped up in the other’s emotions that you feel you must control the other in order to feel OK yourself.
How To Let Go of Control – the Webinar Notes
The purpose of this post is to demonstrate an NLP method I call the Relationship Detangler.
It’s about how to release your inappropriate attachment to another and how to let go of control in the relationship. Letting go of control includes education in four main areas:
2. Letting go of control
3. Believing in others
4. Increasing independence, maturity, and respect
You may need to learn how to let go of control if you are:
• Too attached to a certain person
• Overly involved/controlling/worried
• Feeling you must say yes/give the other what s/he wants
• Engaged in a continual power struggle
The Relationship Detangler is an NLP technique based on the NLP practitioner certification training. It creates a shift in perspective and usually involves some emotional letting go.
The technique isn’t magic – it is usually intended to support the larger process of learning how to let go of control. This larger process involves:
The Story Leading up to Letting Go (Readiness)
The individual must be ready to learn how to let go of control. Typically the readiness comes after many exhausting months or years of power struggle.
The Letting Go (Detangler) Method – which involves a change in perspective
This is a technique for actually engaging in the process of letting go of control. It involves a change in perspective as well as specific methods to release unhealthy attachments to the other person.
The Follow Through – Integration Into Real Life
Once the individual has complete the NLP process to let go of control, he or she must follow through in real life. This should be much easier now that the person has actually learned how to let go of control. The emotional attachment is now reduced or eliminated.
Typically, the detangling involves a shift in perspective – a letting go in which you come to see the other differently – usually in a strong, positive light – capable of being more independent.
On the larger view – Learning how to let go of control in relationships involves a process that usually happens in phases.
Phase One: Living the story of enmeshment, power struggle, worry, fighting, control, etc…in which you are (perhaps unwittingly) getting ready to let go and install boundaries. This could take place over years – or even a lifetime. It should be a focus of coaching – building resources with the client toward readiness.
Phase Two: The shift. This often happens with the technique I will share with you this week in the webinars. In coaching, the shift sometimes happens naturally – a technique is not necessarily required.
Phase Three: Integration – acting on the shift over time.
The detangler technique is an intervention for phase two. Without having witnessed – or verified that phase one occurred, there is no guarantee of success. This is the nature of NLP techniques demonstrated to students.
This technique is effective for NLP and hypnosis practitioners, life coaches, mental health counselors and others in the helping professions. For those considering hiring a life coach counselor, NLP or hypnosis practitioner, asking about the specific techniques the helping professional uses is recommended.