iNLP Center Coaching: NLP Pervasive Elements Exercise Notes
Training Notes

iNLP Center Coaching: NLP Pervasive Elements Exercise Notes

Audio 1: “I’m always so hard on myself – I never feel like I’m good enough.”

• observing VAK and building rapport through non-verbal communication (always)

• challenging the statement using Meta Model for clarification (“in what ways are you hard on
yourself?”, “what does ‘good enough’ look like?”, “good enough compared to who/what?”, “are
there any times/situations when you feel you are good enough?”)

• probing the Meta Program (internal vs. external validation) – “how else might you be able to
more realistically determine if you are ‘good enough’?”

• Level of Development might be useful to help guide my responses, guessing by age as a

• Milton Model to help reframe into strengths? (high standards, always try my best etc..)

Audio 2: “The problem I have is becoming defensive when I think people are judging me, or if I think they’re appearing inconsiderate. I guess I’m just assuming that they think they’re better than me. I don’t know why I would do that, but I just always do.”

• observing VAK and building rapport through non-verbal communication

• gaining clarification using Meta Model:

• who are these ‘people’? Are they strangers, or people you know, work with etc.?

• what does getting defensive look like/feel like for you?

• what criteria are you using to determine that a person is judging you or appearing
inconsiderate (ask for examples)?

• challenge mind-reading (you really don’t have any idea what others are thinking or feeling
in those moments)

• Do you always get defensive, or is it specific situations/conditions/moods/circumstances?

• Challenge Meta Program of Internal vs. External Validation:

• do YOU think they are better than you? Why?

• Are there times when you feel you are better than others? In what ways? * Why does it matter what they think?

• Level of Development might be useful here again (guessing Level 3?)

• Try a reframe: “since you don’t actually know what they are thinking, perhaps try assuming
they are thinking something helpful or neutral instead” – (new behaviour generator)

• Given their statement that they ‘always do’, I would investigate how far back this goes, and how pervasive, and then look at possible AHA attachments.

Audio 3: “I overeat and occasionally drink too much. At 25 lbs overweight, it’s destructive emotionally and physically. I can remember issues with food as far back as age 6. I’m so tired of it… how can I stop?”

* observing VAK and building rapport through non-verbal communication * gaining clarification using Meta Model:

* how do you overeat? What is ‘too much’? According to whom? Who’s standards are you comparing yourself too?

* When do you overeat? When do you drink too much? What situations/circumstances, or all the time etc.?

* What is the weight and behaviour destroying in your life? (nominalization) How is it destroying these things?

* what sort of issues in earlier years (age 6) did you experience?

* Use Milton Model to soften the harshness of ‘destruction’ – heavy and harsh judgement on

* review memories around food to determine VAK in use

* review what occurs/triggers current eating and drinking behaviours to determine the VAK submodalities in use.

* AHA – sounds like a lifelong issue – check self-sabotage pattern

* clarity desired outcome – Outcome Specification – and guide them towards positive motivation
(currently sounds like negative motivation of judgement and guilt): weight loss? better
relationship with food and drink? How do you want to feel? Self-control?

* sounds like there is a stress response at play (‘so tired of it…. how can I stop?’) with cycling thoughts? Maybe try to introduce some DMN techniques/relaxation overall, and particularly
around times of eating/drinking.

Audio 4: “I’d say I feel ineffective. I think that’s the word I would use. I see other people accomplishing so much in a day, and I just don’t. Maybe I just procrastinate too much.”

* observing VAK and building rapport through non-verbal communication

* gaining clarification using Meta Model:

* what does ineffective look like to you? In what ways are you ineffective? How does it make you feel? How would you like to me more effective?

* who are these ‘other people’? everyone? co-workers?

* How do you know these other people are accomplishing so much? what do you see as
evidence of their accomplishments?

* Do you accomplish some things? Are there days when you do accomplish everything you
wanted to accomplish?

* How do you procrastinate? How often?

* Meta Program challenge: Internal vs. External Validation – what other, more reliable means could you use to determine if you are doing ‘enough’?

* Outcome Specification: what would help you feel effective? What do you wish to accomplish each day?

* Strategy – what strategy is the person using to set their daily agenda? Perhaps getting overwhelmed by big picture thinking etc.?

* Milton Model to create a positive statement of strengths?

Audio 5: “I’m unable to turn the opportunities before me into change, so they just go by. Sometimes I don’t see them at the time, but they’re obvious afterwards. But usually I just get confused and can’t turn thought into action. This applies to business and to romance.”

* observing VAK and building rapport through non-verbal communication * Level of Development: sounds like level 2

* gaining clarification using Meta Model:

* What types of opportunities (examples)? What sort of change or action are you desiring from these missed opportunities?

* How are they obvious afterwards?

* do they always go by/always missed? What does it look like when you are able to grasp opportunity and turn it into change/action?

* What does the confusion look like/feel like when it happens? (what strategy is in use? is the person overthinking and spinning instead of just acting?)

* Outcome Specification: What change/action/opportunities are you desiring in your life?

* AHA – possible pattern of self-sabotage?

* Milton Model – to suggest strengths, capabilities for taking a more active/decisive role in their
life; also to suggest possibility that some of these ‘missed’ opportunities were simply not right for them?

Audio 6: “I’m judgemental of what my husband says. It’s as if he’s stupid and I’m the smart one. I can also do it with employees, as if I’m a know-it-all, and then in both cases I’m left alone with my righteous vibe. It also leaks out with clients at times. I know I’ve done this since I was young.”

* observing VAK and building rapport through non-verbal communication

* gaining clarification using Meta Model:

* What are you judging in your husband, employees, clients? Intelligence only, or other criteria? What do they say that triggers your judgement?

* What do you do/say to demonstrate judgement to your husband/employees/clients?

* How are you left alone? When are you left alone – after the judgemental incident?

* What does this righteous vibe feel like (VAK)? How long does it last?

* In what ways does it leak out with clients?

* What is it that you’ve ‘done’ since you were young? Judge, or act on the judgement? Push others away? How young?

* AHA – life long pattern suggests an attachment/self-sabotage (what is the underlying need, and how can you achieve it in healthier ways?)

* Outcome Specification: how would you like to respond to your husband, employees, clients? Try New Behaviour Generator.

Facts about NLP V-K Dissociation
NLP Techniques

Facts about NLP V-K Dissociation

V-K Dissociation in Neuro-Linguistic Programming

Note: this post served as a prompt for an iNLP Center student webinar on that took place on April 13, 2017.

Visual-Kinesthetic Dissociation is one of the core concepts that set NLP apart. And it’s one of the few concepts in the field that can be scientifically tested with some validity.

Let’s look at some facts, but first, let’s define NLP V-K Dissociation.

VK-Dissociation in NLP occurs when you witness your own
experience as a neutral observer.

This is not entirely possible since we’re all ultimately bound to individual perceptions and can’t literally take an outside point of view. However, we can simulate – imagine – what an outsider might see. This is all that is necessary for NLP dissociation to have a positive effect.

1. Dissociation can happen in any of the modalities: visual, auditory or kinesthetic.

2. It’s typically considered a binary distinction, but might be experienced on a continuum. Less like an on/off switch and more like a rheostat light.

3. You can encourage clients to dissociate directory or indirectly. A direct NLP dissociation intervention would involve giving concrete instructions. An indirect intervention would involve using targeted questions or non-verbal communication to encourage dissociation.

4. NLP dissociation is a term unique to NLP, while clinical dissociation in mental health is an entirely different concept.

5. Coaches can use this concept as a stand-alone tool or as part of established or improvised NLP techniques.

6. The key differences between optimists and pessimists may involve NLP dissociation as the point of leverage.

7. Whenever you’re stuck, notice whether you’re associated or dissociated and do the opposite if you can.

8. Becoming aware of the structure of any issue facilitates a form of NLP dissociation. This may be one overlooked reason NLP is so helpful in general.

9. Consciously associating or dissociating is different than merely being associated or dissociated. This brings up the question on mindfulness. Is mindful association or dissociation different that being one or the other but unaware of it?

10. A quick protocol for using NLP dissociation in coaching: 1) Identify the stuck state 2) Dissociate and 3) Continue coaching, maintaining the dissociated state. Ask the client what she wants, needs, etc….what her goals are given that situation over there.

Other Notes on NLP Dissociation

You can be associated – full of feelings – on the inside, but keep a cool, dissociated-appearing exterior. Others may not know you’re so associated. This is about how you express yourself more than anything.

How to Stop Trying to Control People <br>iNLP Center Class Notes
Training Notes

How to Stop Trying to Control People
iNLP Center Class Notes

How to Stop Trying to Control People

These are notes on the iNLP Center relationship detangler webinar for people searching for how to let go of control in relationships.

Being controlling in relationships takes many forms. The bottom line is: your emotions are so wrapped up in the other’s emotions that you feel you must control the other in order to feel OK yourself.

how to let go of control

How To Let Go of Control – the Webinar Notes

The purpose of this post is to demonstrate an NLP method I call the Relationship Detangler.

It’s about how to release your inappropriate attachment to another and how to let go of control in the relationship. Letting go of control includes education in four main areas:

1. Boundaries.
2. Letting go of control
3. Believing in others
4. Increasing independence, maturity, and respect

You may need to learn how to let go of control if you are:

• Too attached to a certain person
• Overly involved/controlling/worried
• Feeling you must say yes/give the other what s/he wants
• Engaged in a continual power struggle

The Relationship Detangler is an NLP technique based on the NLP practitioner certification training. It creates a shift in perspective and usually involves some emotional letting go.

The technique isn’t magic – it is usually intended to support the larger process of learning how to let go of control. This larger process involves:

The Story Leading up to Letting Go (Readiness)

The individual must be ready to learn how to let go of control. Typically the readiness comes after many exhausting months or years of power struggle.

The Letting Go (Detangler) Method – which involves a change in perspective

This is a technique for actually engaging in the process of letting go of control. It involves a change in perspective as well as specific methods to release unhealthy attachments to the other person.

The Follow Through – Integration Into Real Life

Once the individual has complete the NLP process to let go of control, he or she must follow through in real life. This should be much easier now that the person has actually learned how to let go of control. The emotional attachment is now reduced or eliminated.

Typically, the detangling involves a shift in perspective – a letting go in which you come to see the other differently – usually in a strong, positive light – capable of being more independent.

On the larger view – Learning how to let go of control in relationships involves a process that usually happens in phases.

Phase One: Living the story of enmeshment, power struggle, worry, fighting, control, etc…in which you are (perhaps unwittingly) getting ready to let go and install boundaries. This could take place over years – or even a lifetime. It should be a focus of coaching – building resources with the client toward readiness.

Phase Two: The shift. This often happens with the technique I will share with you this week in the webinars. In coaching, the shift sometimes happens naturally – a technique is not necessarily required.

Phase Three: Integration – acting on the shift over time.

The detangler technique is an intervention for phase two. Without having witnessed – or verified that phase one occurred, there is no guarantee of success. This is the nature of NLP techniques demonstrated to students.

This technique is effective for NLP and hypnosis practitioners, life coaches, mental health counselors and others in the helping professions. For those considering hiring a life coach counselor, NLP or hypnosis practitioner, asking about the specific techniques the helping professional uses is recommended.





How to Prime the Pump and Inspire Great Questions from NLP Students
Training Notes

How to Prime the Pump and Inspire Great Questions from NLP Students

Trainer Notes: Priming the Pump to Inspire Good Questions from NLP Students

For the Coaching with VAK and Rapport webinar, one of the goals is to “prime the pump” to get students to ask questions. Merely asking, “Are there any questions?” might not stimulate enough association with the content to inspire question. So…

The NLP trainer’s job is to prep the students – to help put them in the right state of mind to do the activity. How to do this? The sequence of events might look something like:

1. Announce the Q&A activity.
2. Mention the topic – Coaching with NLP visual, auditory and kinesthetic awareness.
3. Tell a story, or begin a preamble that primes the pump.
4. Turn it over to students and see what they come up with.

Possible stories to tell to prime to pump:

So, we’re discussing VAK – the visual, auditory and kinesthetic model. You’ve all done the module, so you realize that what we see, hear and feel plays a major role in our communication. Some people tend to be more visual, right? Maybe you are. And maybe you know someone who is very kinesthetic. What is communicating with that person like? How would you about that?

I’ll never forget the day when I realized I give and receive love differently than my wife. Most of us just assume others love the way we love. Not so. I give and receive love kinesthetically. I hug my wife when I feel love for her and want her to know. Hope, on the other hand, gives and receives love visually. In other words, she demonstrates love by producing evidence you can see. A clean house.  A gift. Looking nice for me. And so on.

So what happened? I’m hugging her to death. She’s letting me see how much she loves me. She feels smothered by my constant hugging. I feel like she’s a bit cold. When we learned how our love styles differ, it changed everything. Does that make sense?

Utilizing NLP Controversies: Could it Work?

Another idea: Mention something controversial about the VAK model, such as the criticisms hurled at NLP by Wikipedia editors (who don’t understand what they are criticizing). There have been studies that “disprove” neuro-linguistic programming’s VAK preferred modality stance. An astute NLP trainer could mention that and challenge students to come up with responses.

If the goal is to get students to associate with the material, nothing associates quite like controversy or a challenge to what they are doing with their life (studying NLP, for one). How to position this one? Just speak to the issue out of your own curiosity.

More ideas for inspiring thought provoking conversation…

Ask why questions?
Use open-ended questions.
Propose scenarios and ask for responses. What would you do if….?


iNLP Center Training Notes: VAK Coaching
Training Notes

iNLP Center Training Notes: VAK Coaching

NLP Coaching with the VAK Model

NLP training notes for VAK and rapport workshop at iNLP Center. This is an iNLP enrollee course to review the VAK model and NLP rapport building techniques.

Workshop Name

Coaching with VAK and Rapport

Who Will Attend

iNLP Center students enrolled in any iNLP Center NLP or coach training.

Purpose of this Webinar

1. To support iNLP Center students so they feel good about training with iNLP.
2. To answer questions about practitioner training modules 2-3, specifically.
3. To provided added value with additional techniques like VAK Synergy.
4. To provide NLP practitioner cheats to help students implement NLP tools.
5. To have fun and build community.

VAK and Coaching Webinar Agenda

1. Introduce NLP trainer and welcome students.
2. Audio check-in with chat responses.
3. Primer for taking questions.
4. Q&A about modules 2-3.
5. Presentation of VAK Synergy (link to iNLP Center school site article) and possible demonstration with a student.
6. VAK coaching cheats.
7. Close with a reminder to continue the conversation on Facebook.

Notes on VAK Coaching – Cheats

As an NLP practitioner or coach, how do we initiate conversations with clients? When we want to explore the client’s VAK, how do we begin? Below are some situations in which to utilize VAK as an NLP coach, with examples of how you could respond.

1. When you want to use VAK for rapport-building, use the words from the same modality as the client.


Client: I just don’t feel right about it.
Coach: Yes, so it’s important that we get in touch with what does feel right.

Client: She sounds like she doesn’t like me very much.
Coach: What do you hear her say that makes you believe she doesn’t like you?

Client: I’m not seeing any solutions.
Coach: You’re not seeing solutions, so it’s important to gain a perspective in which solutions show up.

2. When you notice a client’s modality and they are talking about compatibility or communication issues with others.

Example: I notice you tend to be a feeling-oriented person. How does (so-and-so) relate with feelings?

3. When you observe a stuck state related to any of the VAK modalities.

Example: I notice when you talk about your (stuck state) you are (having feelings, hearing something in your mind, seeing an image in your mind’s eye). What is the (picture, sound or feeling) on the inside?

What other opportunities can you think of to use the NLP VAK model?

Submodality Questions for NLP Practitioners

Woman talking to therapist, side view


Submodality Questions for NLP Practitioners

This post is a tutorial for NLP practitioners who want to learn to work with submodalities. The issue was raised by a student enrolled in the iNLP Center NLP certification training. In response, iNLP Center developed the following.

Scenario: Client is talking about a problem (stuck state) and you want to begin to elicit submodalities so that you can begin working with them.

Questions NLP practitioners can ask:

When you think of this problem (when you are in this stuck state) what do you see, hear of feel on the inside?

Do you remember that last time you experienced this problem (or this state)? (If you get a yes answer) Put yourself back into that situation as if reliving it. Now, what do you see, hear or feel on the inside when you’re in this state?

Ask: What stops you from reaching this goal? When the client responds, ask: What do you see, hear or feel on the inside right now?

If the client responds by talking about what she sees, say:

Ok, you see an image in your mind’s eye. Good. Now:

Is the image on the right, left or middle of your field of vision?
Ask the client to point to where the image is.
Is the image close up, to you, far away, or a mid-range distance? How far away in (feet, inches, meters, centimeters, etc…)
Is the image a still picture or a movie?
Is the image bright, dim or somewhere in between?
Do you see yourself in the image, or are you looking through your own eyes? (Associated/Dissociated)
Is the image life-size, larger than life-size, or smaller than life-size?

And so on…..

If the client responds by talking about what she hears, say:

Ok, you hear something in your mind. Good. Now:

Do you hear a sound like music or a noise, or a voice in your mind?
Where is the sound/voice coming from? The right? Left? In the middle of your mind?
How loud or soft is the sound/voice? Loud, low volume or somewhere in between?
What about the pitch? High pitch? Low pitch, or somewhere in between?
What kind of tone does the sound/voice have? Soft, harsh, soothing, mellow, rough, shrill or other?
How fast is the sound/voice. Fast talking, or fast beats, fast-paced – or slow-paced, or mid-range?

And so on…

If the client responds by talking about what she feels, say:

Ok, you feel something in your body. Good. Now:

Where are you feeling this? In your head, throat, chest, belly, or somewhere else?
What shape is the feeling? A square, circle, cylinder, a blob or some other shape?
What temperature is the feeling? Hot, cold or somewhere in between?
What size is the feeling? How much area does it cover?
Does the feeling move at all? Does it pulsate, swirl, oscillate or move in any way?
How deep is the feeling? Surface of skin? In the middle of your body?
Is the feeling 3-dimensional or flat? What 3-D shape is it, if 3-D?

And so on…

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